KAMALATTE VS TREUMP—- PART 1. A TABLE TENNIS MATCH TO DETERMINE WHO BECOMES PRESIDENT

With concerns over voter fraud, and recent crippling worldwide software crashes, skepticism over a fair election has reached all time highs. In historic fashion, Congress and the States have voted in a new temporary blockbuster Amendment to the Constitution. The Presidency will now be determined by a table tennis match this year. It was determined that neither age, sex, nor size will give significant advantage to either in this sport. Squabbling immediately erupted in regards to location, the specifics of the match, officials, and scores of other issues.

Treump, in anticipation of this approval, hired live in coach Red Magan to be on hand at Mara Largo. It is speculated that Treump also has a dedicated room with a table on Treump Force One. Kamalatte is no stranger to the game having been a young junior champion, but has had little time to hone her skills with the demands of her professional life over the last four decades. With no voters to sway, both candidates will be one hundred percent dedicated to winning the match.

In a match some have labeled to be the ‘Tortoise vs. the Harris’ Treump lobbied for the venue to take place on the roof of Treump Tower in Chicago. Kamalatte opted for Denver, hoping the thin air combined with her defensive style would exhaust the ultimate spin master, who many predict will to try to end points quickly with his ‘spin and slams’. As a compromise the special committee chose an abandoned convention center which will be rehabbed, and is just outside the city of Beloit, Wisconsin. (appropriately a ‘swing’ state). The table will be oriented so the net lies directly in line with the Illinois-Wisconsin border, piercing five feet of the ‘Cheddar Curtain,’ and thus straddling the two currently politically divided states. The north side of the table will be red, the south, blue. The players will not change sides. The first player to win six games in this best of eleven will occupy the Oval Office.

As for officials, Rudy Joola-ani stumbled across the opportunity and expressed interest in umpiring the event. Treump is pounding the table for the Supreme Court to be court side to handle sticky rule violations, and an instant replay team based in Moscow to handle close calls. Treump’s paddle is rumored to be a gift from Kim Pong Um, with red and black traditional rubber. While Kamalatte’s is a present from Fancy Powloosie, and will feature anti-spin on the blue side, and long pips on the black, designed to flummox her senior rival.

The event is destined to be not only the most viewed sporting event in the world, but the most viewed event of all time, period. Every network will have access to broadcast it, and Mr.Treump does not want to miss out on capitalizing on this. A special one time app purchase, (The Pong Whisperer) will enable you to listen to the whispering of Donald in real time during and between the points via an ultra-sensitive mic attached to his chest. A super premium version will display his vital signs, heart rate, oxygen level, and blood pressure. The app will be available in over 100 languages!  

Stay tuned!

Pips Happened

Pips, I’ve expressed my aversion to the non-inversion. I’m thinking long ago in a far away place where paddles were not of the hand made variety, a factory existed. Late one evening at the end of the line the quality assurance engineer fell asleep for hours and a collar slipped on the mechanism that rotated the rubber onto the blade. Thousands of these pimple protruding paddles emerged. What was the company to do? The marketing department got together and convinced buyers that this Pipsi generation would drive traditional players mad, and it worked!

The great City of Chicago. What a fantastic idea following the turn of the millennium, the year 2000. Three hundred plus ping pong tables scattered around the city for the general public to randomly engage in a little competition. Besides in  parks and museums, you could find tables downtown and around the city in building lobbies, banks, and even at the Board of Trade where an 1800 level player I knew told me he and a friend had quite the crowd gathered around them. I had worked downtown until the early eighties and then worked further out into the city and suburbs. One of my accounts, a bank on Milwaukee Ave. had one of these tables. I kept my paddle in my car, but never was an opponent to be found the few times I was there.

30,000 paddles were specially produced and were available for ‘checkout’ at the various locations. That’s roughly 100 paddles a table. They must have anticipated a little ‘slippage’ eh. The paddles were supplied by an Indiana company with the rights to the name ‘ping pong’, and none other than the ‘cutting edge’ company Sears with the exclusive rights to sell the Ping Pong brand, sweet deal. Sears, at that time was no longer based in the city, but in Hoffman Estates. Yep, with a little foresight they could have been Amazon. 

Anyway, I only saw the paddles many years past the promotion after some friends slipped a pair of these oversized Necco Wafers my way. There was a hard type surface on one side complete with advertising and Richard M Daley imprinted on it…(not Ma Lin, that’s for sure!) There were short hard pips on the other. If you could get your ‘D-‘ game out of these you’d be happy.  Pips on a paddle, that’s ketchup on a hot dog,

 

Kobra